i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You ruined the universe
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
