Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
