did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
