i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
