So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
