Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
