i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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