I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
