In the future we'll all be gay
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
