Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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