someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
