pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My hand turned me down
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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