What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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