i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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