im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
