Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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