this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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