ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
