I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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