@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
