I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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