I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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