Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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