If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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