life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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