my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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