Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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