o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
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do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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