I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
