we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
