Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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