Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
