OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
