You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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