even my farts smell like vagina
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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