Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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