So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
