Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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