So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The best revenge is premature balding
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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