I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
