Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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