Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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