oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Randomize
