So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
