I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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