she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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