i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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