Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
