Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
