I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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