just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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