I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
