No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
