Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
