Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
