Soap is not a condiment
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
