all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
