Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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