No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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