My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
