does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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